This is a question that seems to pop up a lot. Am I being selfish if I leave. Am I being selfish if I stay. Do I love this farm? Absolutely. I wake up in the morning and put on my galsses and lie in bed and watch my favorite tree swaying in the breeze and look at the tree tops and the clear blue sky, and I think about how lucky I am to live in a place so beautiful and so peaceful.
Then I think about waking up on different days in different beautiful places and the glutton in me who wants to experience as much af the world as I can.
Maybe it really comes down to my purpose. Don't we all want to believe that our life has some purpose. I convinced myself that there was a purpose in getting my Ph.d. I often told myself that I was giving my daughters an example. that they could be whatever, do whatever they wanted if they worked hard enough. Now I feel like what I sacrificed was their childhood. So ANgela felt like a second chance and I am grateful, sometime even grateful for my disease, as it let me be at home so that she never had to go to daycare after school, I was here for her and sometimes for the neighbor's children. We had many experiences together, so she was my purpose in life. So if I stay or if I go what is my purpose? How does either of these choices make life meaningful? What can I contribute?
I guess I'll think about that. More later.
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This may piss off Angela if she reads it, but you've earned the right to the life you want.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I relate to her feelings intensely; it is one of my greatest regrets that I was not in a position to buy the house I grew up in when they sold it. Even with all the bad memories (and some good ones, yes) surrounding the place, it is an essential part of me that I miss in a way that is hard to describe. It's the only place I've ever felt like I was "inside". I was also raised there mostly by my grandmother; I used to joke that I had more in common with Angela than Jeneva.
Your catholic teaching has probably told you that the life lived for others is the best life. As one who's lived this principle, to a great degree, for most of his life (sans dogmatic accoutrements), I personally think that's a load of horsepuckey. But that's me, not you.
It is worth considering as well that while 18 is the age of majority, and a lot of parents do tell their kids that they're on their own once they reach that age, Angela probably doesn't feel like she's ready to just go out on her own into the world without any place to go where she knows she'll never be turned away - that feeling of a safety net was a source of comfort to me for many years, though paradoxically it also allowed me to be lazy with my own personal development for a long time. A trial by fire is not always a bad thing.
Again, Angela, if you're reading this, you're probably totally pissed at me for any number of reasons, sorry.
Well, a few more technical points IF you decide to go:
ReplyDeleteYou would need a legal address. While it is possible to do almost everything by internet, the government, banks, etc are quite insistant that you have a legal address.
Also, have at least two credit cards or one credit and one debit card. You never know when a computer is going to flag you as possible fraud and lock you out or you have a brain freeze on your pin number. Let the financial institutions know of your plan and your cell number so that they can note the account. This will reduce the chance a computer locks you out and increase the possiblity that they can contain the damage quickly if someone does start using your card.
This doesn't help the main dilema, but I did think I shold mention it.