Gardens

I've been thinking about my garden and greenhouses and whether I would miss them. I started them in the first place because I like gardening and was very rewarded by watching stuff grow. Then I got caught up in liking the fact that I was producing much of my own food and that I knew it was organically grown. And I liked giving it away.

But now I'm thinking about when Angela moves out, which she will eventually, and how I have a freezer full of food from the garden that would take me forever to eat by myself. Do I want to put all that energy into that activity from now on. I could just do it to give it away to friends and the food bank. Or I could plant less or none at all and just live here without doing the gardens. I think that would be hard for me to do and it seems like a waste of all the beds I've built. So the train is taking my thoughts to the idea that maybe it's time for someone younger with a family to feed to have the gardens.

I guess I need to walk around in the garden and see how I really feel.

An old friend

Well, here we are in 2010. I sat here on New year 's Eve. Everyone else in the house was asleep so I rang in the new year with all the folks in Times Square and asked myself if I am really ready to give this up. Then I got a letter from a dear friend. She is going through a very similar discernment so I have a feeling we will be communicating a lot. The biggest difference between her and me is that she has spent the last 17 years alone. No spouse. No children/grandchildren living in her home. (she has such but they live kind of all over the place). I have never been alone. I have always had someone living with me and have always been responsible for them in some way. I have always been someone's wife, mother, grandmother. So I'm going to go all 60's on you now and say that I think I need to go away to find myself. I barely know who I am and I don't know who I can be without someone to take care of.

Several people have said that seeing the National Parks has been a dream for them as well. For me, I see this trip as primarily a solitary one, but I also imagine some friends joining up with me from time to time.

I have done the math and if I go I can't have a rent or house payment anywhere or there won't be enough money to travel. Even without the financial burden of any kind of home I will be on the edge financially, but really, when haven't I been?

My soul is hungry for something, and taking off and being as free as it is possible to be sings to that hunger in a sweet, sweet way.

Peace
Lyn

Time to catch up

Hello readers,

Sorry for taking so long to add to this blog. I could make a million excuses but the only real explanation is that I made other choices for awhile. Thanksgiving and Christmas took a lot of time and energy. But - I'm back and I intend to blog at least once a week.

I do have two internet addicts at my house now which has made getting time on my own computer hard to come by. But I now have a remedy for that. Jeneva gave me a laptop for Christmas. (Yay). So now I can pack up my trusty laptop (I'll have to give her a name.) and go off to a hot spot and not only have the means to blog but also not have to deal with dial-up, which is all I have available at home. Jeneva has taken to sitting in Motel parking lots to use hers. I hope the authorities don't get suspicious of this strange women sitting in parking lots! Now there may be two of us.

So, time to catch up. The trip from Fargo to San Francisco with Jeneva was amazing. Weather was perfect, our hosts in San Fran were wonderful. I met 4 of Jeneva's internet friends and we stopped to see one of her Jr. High classmates and friends who now lives in Eugene, OR. It certainly reinforced for me my love for being on the road and having new experiences.

It also confirmed what I already suspected, that my days of marathon (14 hours or more non-stop) driving are over. But if I decide to hit the road that is not the kind of travel I have in mind. I intend not to miss the good stuff along the way.

Some friends have indicated that they think I have already decided to leave, and some seem to think I have already left. Not the case. This is a big decision and not one I will make lightly or quickly. And there is the farm to sell which will take time. I do go back and forth. Here it is the Christmas season and I look around at my beautiful house all decorated and sparkly and I find myself asking if I really want to give this up. While practicality tells me that I really can't afford to stay here, the philosophy by which I live my life ,"there is always a way", inserts itself and tells me that I can find solutions if I am willing to look for them. So it goes back to an emotional decision, which do I want more, to stay or to go?

Another consideration that has entered the pool has to do with my current part time employment. In September the priest at the church in which we rent space for the preschool indicted that this would be our last year there. As there is not likely a place for the school at the rent we pay now, that would be the end of the school. It seems the main concern of the church was that we might compromise their non-profit status by having a "business" in the church. We can overcome this by becoming a non-profit business. (which believe me we are!). Melody, the owner of the school, is trying to find out if that is really the reason for kicking us out. If so, she and her husband are willing to do the paperwork to become "Not for profit". The other part of that equation is that she will only continue the school if I continue with her. She simply does not have another teacher on board and I am the one who has developed the curriculum for the school. As I consider this it occurs to me that if I put the house up for sale in the spring I will not be ready to leave by the beginning of summer. So I could set summer 2011 as the time to actually leave and if the the farm sells I can rent an apartment in Medical Lake for the interim. That would give Melody one more year with the school and an opportunity to find another teacher. So that is also in the discernment pot at this time.

I do need to decide soon whether to stay at least one more year as she will not pursue keeping the school if I don't stay. It is not a bad idea to have another year to clear out this place, boy do I have a lot of stuff! Where did it all come from? I continue to weed out the extraneous junk but there is still too much.

So that's where I am now. Any thoughts you have would be appreciated.

Merry Christmas and have a great 2010!

On The Road

I can't beieve I'm doing this. We made it to San Francisco. So far perfect weather, perfect roads. Basically kept to the schedule. We will be in SF for 3 days and head North on Monday. Going to take the coast highway (101) to Oregon then a dash across to Eugene to see a friend of Jeneva's, to Portland to see Joey and then home. I will post some pics on my facebook for those of you who are connected with me there. Long day, looking for a good night's sleep.

The first day out I felt awful and thought Maybe I can't do this. My whole body hurt and I was so tired I thought I'd never make it through the day. I had little sleep on Friday night as got up at 3 a.m. Sat to be at the airport by 4:30. Flew to Denver,then a puddle jumper to Fargo, got in the car and drove to De Smet. Since I am in a lot of pain when I sleep in a flat bed I didn't sleep well. Sunday we walked around De Smet and went to all the nearby sites related to Laura Ingalls Wilder and the little House on the Prairie (a passion of Jeneva's). And, as I said, felt really bad, So I broke down and took pain pills to sleep Sunday night and since have felt much better. I don't like taking them but it is the only way I can sleep flat. So I have done the pills all except Tuesday Night. If I am going to get a truck and hit the road long term I will have to fashion a bed for the truck that is in my hospital bed/lounge chair configuration. I really don't like taking the pills! But for this trip it is making it a lot more fun than if I didn't take them so I'm glad I have them.

We went through Badlands National Park, to Mount Rushmore, and to the Crazy Horse monument. After that it was pretty much hit the interstate and drive. Three days in SF is going to be a blast.
see ya later
Lyn

Test run

OK. Off and running. Call it a test run. I'm leaving in the early a.m. to fly to Fargo, ND (yes, I know it's November) where Jeneva will meet me with her car and we are driving to San Francisco to visit some friends of hers. Then we will drive to Eugene, OR to visit another friend, then to Portland to visit my daughter Joey and family and then home with a stop in Hood River to visit another of Jeneva's friends (She has a lot of friends). We will certainly find out how well we travel together under somewhat stressful condition. She is moving away from Winnipeg after 11 years and leaving a lot of friends and memories behind. Hard stuff. She will be with me until spring and then will move to Scotland (you read that right). Also, we may have to be creative to get over the Rocky Mountains so let's all believe there will be no blizzards for the next 2 weeks.

So this is a test run for traveling together. Personally, I am beside myself with excitement. I need to move around. I need a break from here. So to quote Jeneva - who is quoting Buzz Lightyear - "to infinity and beyond".

I'll let you know how it goes.

clarifications

Well, I read that last blog and thought "I hope they don't think the Benedictines are a hedonistic group". Of course it remains to discern whether what we desire is virtuous or greedy, whether it comes from God or not. It's not like everything goes.

So, that said, I realize that I am left to discern which of my two desires best serves life, and creation, and the creator. I do love the farm. Sometimes I look around and think that my heart is here on this place, connected to this land, rooted in this ground. I found a tape that I made 17 years ago and on it I talked about all of my dreams for the farm. All the stuff I was going to do with it and how it was going to be this place where people could come to find peace, and discern the direction of their lives, or just rest. None of that happened. I seem to always be full of good ideas.

I have to say that most of the feedback I'm getting points me in the leaving direction. A lot of envy out there! I keep hearing, I wish I could do that or I wish I had the courage to do that. One woman wanted to send her husband with me but I said a definite no to that one. I pulled a medicine card yesterday. It was the Wolf. It says "Find new paths and options. Break through. Be a role model. Share your inner knowing."

I am thinking a lot about how to make this trip meaningful if I take it. There was a wonderful series on PBS 2 weeks ago about the National Parks and it was a very good history and of course highlighted the major, better known parks. But there are 136 National Parks and 78 National Monuments. I am thinking about highlighting the lesser known parks. If you include National historic areas, preserves, scenic areas, byways, etc, there are 477. So there are a lot of choices.

I have started making lists of equipment I would need ifI go or if I stay. I'm not as young as I used to be (darn!) and if I stay and try to do something meaningful here I will need some equipment. I am no longer strong enough to keep doing it all by hand. Not to mention that all of my garden tools were here when I bought the place 22 years ago and the shovels are so dull they wouldn't cut butter. All my hoses need to be replaced. I could really use a small lawn tractor (hauling rocks and firewood in a wheelbarrow just isn't cutting it). That's the short list. When I feel like I'm close to having it all down I'll tack it on the end of another blog.

If I go, the longer list is what I have to get rid of. I actually have most of the equipment I need to live in a truck. Doesn't take much, really.

I am still cleaning the house and the "get rid of it" pile is very small. Downsizing so far is not going so well. I am putting off some of it until Thanksgiving. Both Jeneva and Joey will be here and I want to go throught some stuff then so if they want any of it they can take it before it goes into the yard sale pile.

That's about it for tinight. Love hearing from you.

Peace
Lyn

Responses and retreats

Dear friends
Thank you for the comments. Keep them coming. Here are some thoughts I have around your comments.

I truly understand what is being said about Angela. She has a harder time than most dealing with change and being a child who was not raised by her parents and who has faced the "loss" of many people in her life, significant adults who moved on, the farm and I have been her only stability. I have certainly been told a number of times that I should simply shove her out the door and tell her to be a grown up and get a life. But she is only 18 and just out of high school. My concern is that at 18, with the unreliability of roommates and the current economy, if she goes out and signs a lease with her minimum wage job that typically affords her less than 40 hours a week she will be an early candidate for a bad credit record, and I really don't want to see her go down that road.

That said, she is planning on starting college and will be eligible for the maximum in financial aid. That along with some that I would budget out of the sale of the house could set her up in her first apartment with several months paid. I think that is the best I can offer.

I have made some inquiries into some of the legal/financial aspects but I am sure there are others that I have not thought about. I have a friend who will let me use his address as a permanent address and I have a great relationship with my credit union and would certainly keep them up to date. I do need to in any case rewrite my will and my end of life/extreme measures document. That I should do anyway. I don't have any stocks or IRA's or anything like that (which I know is making Alison wince) and there is something to be said for having nothing to lose.

It has crossed my mind a few times to lease the farm for a year or two until I see how it goes or to do a lease option if it comes to that with an agreement that after a specified time I could opt to take it back or the other party could buy it if I don't want if back with the rent paid so far a down payment. In fact that is how I was able to buy the farm in the first place. But again, that leaves me with the current mortgage to pay while traveling and that limits the money I have to travel on.

I am going to look into the cost of some local storage units as I will undoubtedly want to keep some things. I won't travel forever and it would be nice to have a few things to move into a new place with. But the smaller the unit the better. Anyone want an antique piano? My tuner says it's the best piano of all the ones he tunes.

The second part of today's blog is going to be about the effect of the past weekend on my thoughts.

I went to my Monastery (yes I think of it as mine), the Monastery of St. Gertrude in Cottonwood. I am an Oblate member of that community and we had an Oblate retreat this past weekend with Norvene Vest as our leader. She is a theologian and author who has wrtitten several books on St. Benedict and living the Rule of St. Benedict in modern times, which is the goal of the Oblates. Our topic for the weekend was "Desiring Life: The Benedictine Habit of Wisdom" I will give you a few of the highlights of this retreat and then tell you the thoughts and feelings they brought up in me.

One of the first things she said was that the Benedictine life is meant to be the "fulfillment of the soul's desire". She said that God plants desire in us for a purpose and quotes the psalm which says "God's will is my delight". So much for those whose theology is centered on the idea that if it's fun or makes you happy it's a sin. Anyway!

What interferes with our fulfilling our desire? The state of the world. materialism, when what we own becomes our identity, or when we fragment our desire, so that there is no integration.

We are conditioned to try to deny or sublimate our desires. Addicition is often the result of us shutting ourselves off from God's desire for us. God wants our joy.

The things, adventures, etc. that we desire in this world are rooted in our desire for God (my words - and God is in everything that is, so our desire for the experiences of this world is desire to find God). Desire carries us beyond self-control and self management, beyond what we already see and know. It is not a thirst for that which satisfies us but for that which enlarges our capacity to be satisfied.

Our delight and God's will are the same thing.

Wisdom comes from deep discernment and accumulated learning. Each of the Wisdom books of the Bible presents wisdom in a different light. Proverbs presents wisdom as what the wise do vs. what the foolish do. Job addresses the questions: why do bad things happen to good people? Where is God in the world? It allows us to ask important questions even when no clear answers or solutions emerge. The dark night of the soul is not suffering itself, but happens when the God I knew who was comfortable and known is gone and we are invited to know God for God's self. Ecclesiastes questions the notion of salvation history and asks if it is possible to live well

Wisdom invites us to the place where we are not in control (Scary, huh?)

So where does that take us? To our habits of thought. Augustus says there are 3 steps to thought. First, we become aware and decide will I or won't I pay attention to the thought. Second we may consent to the impulse, and third is intention, we take pleasure in the thought. It becomes a habit. At each stage we have a choice At each stage the thought becomes more embedded and more difficult to cast off. So we are called to examine what our most frequent thoughts are about. So by directing them, our thoughts can become virtues rather than habits. Virtue defined as seeing something desirable but out of reach and being willing to risk trying to reach that goal. Risking to follow our true desire. A gift of grace.

Using themes from the Gospels she asked us to answer these questions, which were posed to the disciples by Jesus. From John 1:38 "What are you looking for?" and from Mark 10:36 "What is it you want from me.?" Here were my answers. I am lookng for purpose, for meaning for my life. And I want guidance, to be pointed in a direction. Then I went a little further and wrote "Help me find what is within me that will give me what I need so that I can live a puposeful life." Pretty big order, Huh? I thought I was done. Well that exercise was easy. I put down my pen. And then the voice in my head (yes I have one of those) said "Give me a name" Whoa! That one will take some really deep meditation, I think. I never wanted to be famous. I really don't care if I am remembered when I die. I just want to know that my being here somehow added positive enrgy to the universe. So I find myself asking, will this pilgrimage that I am dreaming of add positive energy to the universe? In another blog I will addrss that one a little more. I do have some thoughts about that that have been rolling around in my mind.

Skip to the last session of the retreat. We were given a handout entitled "Questions to strengthen and focus desire" She ask d us to particulary focus on the first and last questions. The first "What are my dreams, my longings, my deep desires, What is my deepest call to being? My sense of the underlying purpose of my life?" Well, as I continued to ponder this question I kept coming back to the answer Brain Swimme and Thomas Berry give to the question "What is the purpose of the human?". Their answer is "to be in awe!" If this is my purpose I have to say with no humility whatsoever, I am very good at being in awe. I don't think I will ever get over how beautiful the world is, how magnificent the universe is, how fascinating life is, how wonderful it is to have this gift of being a human on this planet in this time and place. I am really good at awe.

The last question was "What are those most sacred and compelling hopes and purposes in my life?" I haven't had an answer to that in the past but after this weekend I wonder if my hope and purpose is to bring that sense of awe to as many people as I can. To get humanity past the hatred, the fear, the greed, the competitiveness, the focus on the ugliness of life and to, one person at a time, replace all of that with a sense of awe.

Now my life question seems to be: can I best fulfill that purpose here on the farm in Spokane County, WA or on the road, in the National Parks, or as Jeneva quotes, "to infinity and beyond"?

So what do you think?